Everyone knows who Xiaxue is. She's the most popular blogger in Asia. I find her really pretty because she takes the time to groom herself. A lot of people criticize her because she dyes her hair pink, blonde and all sorts of other crazy colors. They also say mean things like how she wants to look more Caucasian than Asian. She is pregnant and almost 9 months along now. She married Mike, yes he is white, they met online and he flew to Singapore to meet her and what do you know it was love at first sight. People can say a lot of negative things about her but she is living the live. She gets free goodies from various companies. Majority of the things in her house are all sponsored from the bathtub to the tiles. I guess maybe because people are jealous of her? So how did Xiaxue get all of this fame? It wasn't an easy road for her. She would blog about her life and one day people came across her blog and by word of mouth many people started visiting her blog to read it. For 10 years and still counting she continues to blog not only about her pregnancy and her day but she blogs about contests and what are the popular and good beauty products a girl should buy. She also shows her readers as to how one can use the products and where they can buy it from. She has videos on Youtube as well and whenever I’m feeling down I watch some of them to cheer myself up because she’s just that funny. Even though people always bring her down with the stupid comments she doesn't shut up about it. Instead, she takes a stand and fights back with them. It’s funny how someone can tell another human being to kill themselves because they’re trying too hard but Xiaxue takes it in her stand to put them in their place and that’s one thing I love about her: That she doesn't take sh*t from anybody especially from unknown people.

Alone. At home. All i hear is the sound of the fan, a couple of crickets vaguely mirroring each other's symphony of sound from the bushes, water droplets thud against the ground falling from the awnings.

I didn't go to school, yet again. In a daze, I think about what I have done in my life, what have I accomplished? I wonder, do I really want to continue studying or should I give it up altogether. My mind battles with itself. YES. NO. Yes.

I have no motivation, no sense of drive. Mostly, I feel dumb. I feel like a solid hard rock, attempting to be a sponge, attempting to absorb what's going on but I can't. I feel lost, not the kind that temporarily troubles me. The kind that prolongs itself, the kind that possesses me and haunts my every thought. Why am I so lost? What are the variables that are different in my life? The new atmosphere? The lack of supporting companions? I think to myself. No answer comes to mind, not a minor hint even. Self doubt will lead you nowhere Letashia, I tell myself.

 Yet, I sit here typing the thoughts that float aimlessly within my head so utterly confused. What's next?

The feeling you get when you know the person you want it to work out with is not worth your time anymore. Could it be worse? I've been dating this guy, Jordache, for about a year now. He's 26 this year, I know he's old but don't judge, studying at SMU doing accountancy. Yes he's smart but when it comes to commitment let's just say he lacks brains in that area. The typical girl might think that they're an item like boyfriend and girlfriend. But in a man's point of view the term 'dating' just simply means he's not in a committed relationship. This gives him the perfect excuse to talk to other girls and go out with them. How can a guy do that to a girl right? The feeling sucks when you find out from your friends and Facebook about him bringing different girls out on different occasions really makes you reconsider about men these days. Are they really that mean to do that to the girl that really loves them?  I'm afraid so. I hate wasting my time and effort on him. Thinking about how much he has hurt me time and time again makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I've come to realize that guys at that age are lost. They don't know what their identity is and what they want in life. I’ve always been telling him that this is the best time to be single and explore and yet I don’t understand why he’s with me. I told him numerous times he can go out with other people but I don’t want to be stringed along for the ride because it’s just emotionally draining on my part. I hate getting played by guys because I don’t deserve it despite me putting them first. Period.